Common Fixations That Parents Have And How To Deal With Them

s a parent, it is only natural that you want what is best for your child. However, sometimes in our efforts to help our children, we can develop certain fixations. Here are some common fixations that parents have and how to deal with them:

1. Fixation on good grades:

 Many parents tend to fixate on their child's grades. While it is important to encourage your child to do their best, it is also important to remember that grades are not everything. There will be times when your child gets a bad grade, and that is okay. What is important is how they handle it and learn from it.

This can be a difficult thing to practice in reality. We all need to let that sink in slowly that grades are going to be irrelevant and the skills will matter more than anything. Children have the opportunity to go beyond academics and pursue what interests them.

When you are obsessed with kid's grades

• You are telling your kids that grades define their success and their worth as a person. You are also teaching them that if they don't get good grades, they are failures. This is not the message you want to send to your children.
• The purpose of learning is lost when the focus is on grades. The child is not motivated to learn but to get good grades. This type of thinking will follow them throughout their lives and they will never be able to enjoy learning for its own sake.

But you might feel pressurized at the same time of not being able to keep up with the school demands- so I am sharing a story here:

When Adi was in PreKg, his class teacher had mentioned in his report card that " Adi didn't tend to behave well in the class". I was shocked at that remark, to be frank. I mean, I was so excited to meet the teacher and thank her for taking care of Adi, how he had grown and that he looks forward to coming to school.

But I could not believe that the teacher had only taken notes of things that she was not happy about. she complained that he was unable to sit in a place for the entire session. Guess what?? the sessions were 45 min long, I think I would consider something wrong with him if he sits in the sessions for so long.

But I was not someone who would let this go, I spoke to the principal, and the coordinators. They realized this and they took this seriously enough to change the way they gave feedback in the future.

When mothers leave kids at school for the first time, she goes through a lot of emotions. The child accepting a new environment is a success, the child waking up in the morning and getting ready is a success, and the child getting familiar with other kids is a success. It's not fair at all to judge the little kids based on how disruptive they are in the class.

I voiced out because I was not comfortable with the report card and it led to a change.

Sometimes when you feel overwhelmed with grades and school demands it's ok to ignore that and think of your child first, find out their interests and set them free from the race. Let them enjoy their learning.

2. Fixation on good schools:  

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Another common fixation that parents have is on sending their child to a good school. Again, while it is important to get your child into a good school, it is not the be-all and end-all. Many other factors will contribute to your child's success in life, such as their work ethic, determination, and resilience.

Recently A friend of mine decided to move back to her town, to put an end to a toxic relationship. She had been living in a toxic relationship for too long,

Now her main concern is compromising a school that her son left in the city. She feels her son won't get the education she planned for him.

This is a general mindset, people think without a "good" school our kids don't have a great future. I spoke to her and we figured out the positives and negatives of moving back to her hometown.

We figured out a positive solution for this problem, I suggested

- She gets involved in her child's learning (Make sure he learns what is desired at his age) or more if he needs - Make time for the child

- Find a tutor if the child is struggling in any subject

- He needs school for friends and community, but learning can always happen at home.

- Find extra classes/games etc. where he can meet more children of his age

If a person is not mentally happy in a place, it disturbs the entire environment. Parents make too many compromises for schools, we need to find what is possible. Everything will fall in place when you are happy and peaceful.

Parents make a lot of compromises so that their kids get the best school in town, get good grades, and get into the best college. But what they don't realize is that they are putting a lot of pressure on their kids and not letting them be kids.

Schools take advantage of this and the rising fee, the long admission lines outside schools, and parents having to shift their houses near to school to get admissions are a few examples.

3. Fixation on extra-curricular activities:

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Parents often have the fixation that their children should be involved in extra-curricular activities, so that they can have a well-rounded development. While there is nothing wrong with this, the problem arises when parents start pushing their children into activities that they are not interested in.

This often happens in families where the parent didn't get to pursue their dream activity as a child, and so they want their child to do it instead. However, this can often lead to the child feeling resentful and pushed into something that they don't want to do.

It is important to let your child choose their activities, within reason. Of course, you can guide them and help them make the decision, but ultimately it should be up to them.

There are too many courses and classes and the pressure on parents to give their kids all these experiences is too much. Mostly the pressure stems when you see other parents sending kids to different classes.

When Adi was hardly 1 year old, all my friends in the mummy group were sending their kids to the baby gym, and so I wanted to do the same. Though I knew Adi becomes uncomfortable in crowds.

As predicted, Adi was not happy during the sessions, He was always crying and clinging to me.

Other kids were playing and trying different things. Finally, I had to stop the session for Adi. I knew it was not helping him in any way and just because other kids were good it didn't mean he had to enjoy it.

Same ways Children may choose to participate in sports or not, don't compare them with kids who are doing exceptionally well in sports.

Though you should tell them the importance of physical fitness and find ways to participate in fitness exercises together if kids are resisting.

The thing is, every child is different and unique. Some might be interested in art while others in sports. It is important to let them choose what they want to do, as that is what will make them happy.

4. Fixation on Social behavior: 

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Many times, parents get fixated on the social behavior of their children. They want their kids to behave in a certain way, and often this is based on their upbringing or the way they were raised.

However, it is important to remember that every family is different, and so what works for one might not work for another. Also, children grow and change, and so what works for them at one age might not work at another.

It is important to be flexible and to understand that there will be times when your child doesn't behave the way you want them to. It is also important to let them make mistakes, as that is how they learn and grow.

When you tell your kid. "Oh, you are too shy", "Go play outside"," Don't behave like this or that", "Look at others, they are so outgoing and look at you" etc. You are not only putting more pressure on your kid unnecessarily but also making them lose their confidence.

It is okay if your child is shy or an introvert. As long as they are happy and confident, that is all that matters.

While we are ok to accept outgoing kids, we need to accept that kids can be shy. Some children take time to open up, but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them. Shy kids are intelligent, and independent like any other kid but that's just how they prefer to be. Parents just need to shift their perspective of looking at this trait of kids positively.

5. Fixation on material possessions: 

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Another thing that parents often fixate on is material possessions. They want their children to have the best of everything, and often this means buying them the latest toys or clothes.

While there is nothing wrong with wanting your children to be happy and to have nice things, the problem arises when you start comparing them to other kids or when you start using material possessions as a way to reward them.

This can often lead to children becoming spoiled and entitled, and it can also make them feel like they are not good enough if they don't have the latest and greatest things.

It is important to remember that children don't need a lot of material possessions to be happy. Sometimes less is more. It is also important to teach them the value of money and not use material possessions as a way to control or manipulate them.

At the same, kids must be given context as to why they don't need a particular gadget, and why it might not be useful to them instead of scolding them.

How kids can be less materialistic:

• Teach them to be grateful - When kids learn to be grateful for what they have, they will be less likely to want more. You can help them to do this by teaching them to say thank you, and by showing them how fortunate they are.
• Help them to understand the value of money - When kids understand the value of money, they will be less likely to want things that they can't afford. You can help them to do this by teaching them about budgeting and by showing them how to save money.
• Help them to find other ways to be happy - When kids find other ways to be happy, they will be less likely to rely on material possessions. You can help them to do this by teaching them about the things that are important in life, such as family, friends, and experiences.4. Help them to be generous - When kids are generous, they will be less likely to want things for themselves. You can help them to do this by teaching them about giving back to the community and by showing them how to help others.
• Teach them to be patient - When kids are patient, they will be less likely to want things that they can't have right away. You can help them to do this by teaching them about delayed gratification and by showing them how to wait for things.
• Help them to find their own identity - When kids find their own identity, they will be less likely to want things that other people have. You can help them to do this by teaching them about self-acceptance and by showing them how to be their person.
• Help them to live in the present - When kids live in the present, they will be less likely to want things that they don't need. You can help them to do this by teaching them about mindfulness and by showing them how to enjoy the moment.
• Help them to focus on their journey - When kids focus on their journey, they will be less likely to compare themselves to others. You can help them to do this by teaching them about self-awareness and by showing them how to stay focused on their path.
• Focus on quality time- Another way to help kids be less materialistic is to focus on quality time instead of gifts. This means spending time with them doing things that they enjoy, such as playing games, going for walks, or reading together. When kids feel loved and valued, they will be less likely to want things that they don't need. 
• Role model generosity- One of the best ways to teach kids to be less materialistic is to role model generosity yourself. When you give to others, whether it's your time, your money, or your possessions, you show them that it's more important to give than to receive. You can also teach them about the joy of giving by volunteering with a local charity or by helping out a friend in need.
• Encourage them to declutter- Another way to help kids be less materialistic is to encourage them to declutter their belongings. This means getting rid of things that they don't use or need and keeping only the things that are important to them. When kids see that they can live with less, they will be less likely to want things that they don't need. Talk to them about advertising: One of the most important things you can do to help kids be less materialistic is to talk to them about advertising. Teach them how to spot ads, and how to question what they see. Help them to understand that ads are designed to make people want things and that they don't always show the whole story. You can also help them to understand that they don't need to have everything that they see in ads and that they can be happy with what they have. 

If you find yourself fixating on one or more of these things, try to take a step back and remember what is important: your child's happiness and well-being. Keep things in perspective and focus on the things that truly matter.

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