The Power of Presence: Erica Komisar on Parenting, Work, and Raising Resilient Children

n a recent conversation with Steven Bartlett, clinical social worker, psychoanalyst, and parenting expert Erica Komisar shared some compelling insights on parenting, child development, and the importance of presence in the early years of a child’s life.

Komisar, author of Chicken Little the Sky Isn't Falling: Raising Resilient Adolescents in the New Age of Anxiety, emphasized the critical role of parental involvement and challenged common societal norms around work-life balance.

The Most Important Thing We Haven’t Talked About

As the conversation neared its conclusion, Bartlett posed a crucial question: What is the most important thing we should have talked about but haven’t?

Komisar’s response was clear and powerful: Presence is critical to children, and there is no replacement for it.

She challenged the modern idea that caregiving can be easily outsourced, stating,

“You can delegate your accounting, your cooking, even your laundry—but you can’t delegate your relationship with your children. Their mental health depends on it.”

She critiqued the societal emphasis on work and financial success, which often comes at the cost of family life, pointing out that while we may believe children will be fine despite parents' absence, rising mental health issues among youth suggest otherwise.

What Should Employers Do?

Bartlett, as a business leader, asked how employers can support working parents. Should they offer extended leave, even up to three years?

Komisar advocated for as much parental leave as possible for both men and women, especially for the primary attachment figure.

Beyond just time off, she emphasized the importance of flexibility, suggesting options like part-time work, job-sharing, and remote work to allow parents to be present in their child’s early years.

She acknowledged that such policies might seem unfair to employees without children, but emphasized that prioritizing child well-being is a societal responsibility:

“Life isn’t always fair, and we need healthy children for a healthy society.”

Children Don’t Need Socialization Before Three

A particularly controversial statement from Komisar was that daycare is not necessary for socialization before the age of three.

She explained that children at this stage engage in parallel play rather than true interaction, and what they truly need is secure attachment with a primary caregiver.

Instead of daycare, she suggested playdates or playgroups where the parent remains in close proximity, providing the emotional security a child needs to explore and take risks.

“You are their touchstone of security,” she explained, “and that’s how children develop courage.”

Why Age Three Is a Critical Milestone

Komisar described the period from birth to three as a critical window for emotional and neurological development. During this time, neurogenesis—the growth of brain cells—is at its peak, and 85% of the right brain is developed by the age of three.

Parental presence during this period is essential for stress regulation and emotional security.

She debunked the misconception that babies “don’t need” their parents because they are just eating and sleeping, explaining that millions of neural connections form during every moment of interaction, from breastfeeding to singing lullabies.

To illustrate, she likened brain development to growing a garden. If nurtured properly, the brain flourishes abundantly, creating a strong foundation for the child’s future.

However, if neglected, it struggles to grow, leading to long-term emotional and psychological consequences.

The Uncomfortable Truths About Parenting

When asked if she was aware of how controversial her views were, Komisar didn’t hesitate to acknowledge it.

“Almost everything I say is controversial,” she admitted. But she insisted that these “inconvenient truths” need to be spoken for the sake of raising emotionally healthy children.

Her stance is clear: it’s not about making parents feel guilty but about empowering them with knowledge. If society continues to devalue the importance of parental presence, we risk raising generations of emotionally unprepared adults.

Komisar’s insights serve as a wake-up call for modern parents, employers, and policymakers. While the conversation around work-life balance often revolves around productivity and economic growth, she reminds us that the most important investment we can make is in our children’s emotional and mental well-being.

The question remains: As a society, are we willing to prioritize parenting the way we prioritize work?